This is a letter I’ve been wanting to write for such a long time and today feels right to put it down.
I can’t begin to tell you how much you are in my thoughts recently.
Its almost inevitable in many ways, doing this diploma on child and adolescent psychotherapy means I spend a significant part of my week thinking about my childhood and in particular you, and the part you played in it.
I never stopped thinking about you but life happened, I lost you so very young but always knew that you made a huge impression on me, but I got on, carried on, spoke to you privately when I felt alone, lost or vulnerable, and even asked your advice many a time, especially as a child.
I think about you often, especially on significant days/occasions, on both my wedding days I smiled at your memory, and thanked you for sending me good weather on my first and peace on my second. Imagined you smiling down at me, felt warmed by you.
The birth of all three children were heralded with joy and tinged with sadness that they would not feel the magic of your love as I had done, but I could imagine your smile and your joy.
But I felt you were always there
As you always were
My point of consistency through change and upheaval, a safe place.
The lump in my throat appears instantaneously when I think of you, I know now that you were a significant attachment figure in my life and your sudden, unexpected loss when I was too young to understand shook my very foundations as it still does.
I was lucky to feel your love and be loved by you.
I think you would be proud of me now, I think you would understand.
The path has been difficult, I’ve made poor choices sometimes and spectacular ones at others, but always did it with the warmth of your love in my heart.
I’m so sad that my girls never got the chance to know you, they would have adored you as I do.
Your own daughter has never had it easy, right from her birth, but she would make you proud every day by loving her grandchildren as you did, what a fabulous example you were to her of what wonders a loving grandparent can bring.
At uni I’m often asked to consider a significant moment in my childhood to think about or work with and its rare that I can think of one where you don’t play the starring role. I’m now writing an assignment on how I became who I am, important people, places and experiences and there you are again.
So many formative memories, so much love, such an aching loss
I love you, you mean so very much to me and who I am, you may have been missing from my life for more than 30 years but just the thought of your name brings me so much comfort flavoured with sadness, I can still smell you, remember how special I felt in your presence.
So I finish this note with your goodnight rhyme, the words you put me to bed with, before kissing me without your teeth in, and made me giggle, oh how I loved you and love you still
“Night Night, Sweet Dreams, Dream Only Of The Happy Scenes”
PS I so wanted to put up a photo of you but I don’t have one, but in truth I don’t need one, you are as beautiful in my mind as any photo, in fact more so