So a lot of the ‘stuff’ in my life is self imposed, I have ridiculously high standards for myself and those around me which can be a pretty hefty burden to shoulder both for me and everyone else in my life. I have a need for things to be perfect but not just on a superficial level, and its draining, if I start a project or a task or even an idea by the time I have done all the thinking I do about it I figure its almost pointless starting as somewhere I will have found in my head a seemingly impassable hurdle or failure or a ‘you cant do that because’ its part of what I find most frustrating about my personality. It used to be about what people thought about me so if I did everything perfectly then everyone would love me and think Iwas a good /wife /mother /employee…I was subconsciously convinced that was how it worked, my self esteem completely driven by others perception of me, so if my house was perfect, my children well dressed, I was performing at work then all must be well with the world and everyone would think I was a good person..that’s right isn’t it?
No its bloody not right, not right at all, because what used to happen on a regular basis was that I would have the ‘perfect house, the perfect husband, the perfect children, the perfect holidays and be a perfect employee’ but inside I was dying and Icouldn’t figure out why this stuff wasn’t working for me and making me feel perfect too. What took so many years of therapy to realise is that perfect outside in no way means perfect inside , quite the opposite, that I am the only one who can make ME happy, and my perception of myself. I have learnt enough tricks through therapy to be able to give myself a good talking to and today is a day where I need to go and do that, today I feel full of doubt, self loathing, pitiful self esteem, negativity and I am struggling with it, so I need to sharpen my CBT tools and batter them away .
Tomorrow is another day, I always try to keep that in mind, tomorrow brings new hope and opportunity and another chance to put right what I feel is wrong. A few comments recently have thrown me sideways and I need to ‘right’ myself and go again, onwards and upwards, I am blessed, and these blessings need counting today.
On a brighter note I filled in my application for Uni yesterday, and poured my heart into a personal statement that I am sure will be nothing like they have seen before – not your usual 18 year old full of optimism and invincibility! But I am hoping that who ever reads it will get a proper understanding of why I want to be a counsellor, that goes above the fluff and nonsense of the usual, ‘I like to work with children and enjoy socialising’ that you normally get in these things.
We watched the hangover last night and it was utterly hilarious the sort of funny that has you bent double, tears rolling, then stupidly this morning I watched PS I Love You which I am sure is pretty much responsible for my low mood today. The nanny starts Tuesday and I start Wednesday so all change which again probably is participating in my melancholy mood, I am a nightmare with change, I know in my heart I will be fine but getting through the change is always tough for me, sorry for the downbeat blog today – I promise tomorrow will be a better day