I was due to have an interview today

*feels faint at the thought*

I was supposed to meet up with someone that I used to work with, and no that isn’t what I’m referring to in my title

I couldnt go in the end due to other outside issues

But I’m in a bit of an odd situation at the moment, I’m feeling pulled in several directions, firstly by my desire to work as a counsellor, predominantly specialising in children’s counselling, which will require at least another 3 years of study – I’m 2 years into my degree, and then will need a minimum 2 year postgrad to qualify

Running completely at opposite ends to that is the fact that frankly if I was working we would be in a FAR better financial situation. I have the skills to be a reasonably good earner, and Little Miss can start school in September meaning I would have days free to do that

In preparation for this interview, I brought out and dusted off my old CV, I looked at and didn’t actually recognise the person I was reading about

Man alive she was impressive, driven, hardworking..  in fact here is an excerpt

A proven, successful sales executive and manager
A New Business Achiever in all market sectors.
Strong background in IT within Corporate, SMB, Local Government and Education. Employed by Market Leaders in each of their fields
Creative but analytical thinker, taking pride in a considered approach to new challenges
High impact sales presenter/trainer.
High level of self motivation, works without supervision, prioritises effectively and meets deadlines

Well I would hire that woman I can tell you  – but when I look at that CV and think about that person I am reminded that, in the words of the Gotye song – now you’re just somebody that I used to know – its so far removed from me now

Now I’m not showing you this to ‘big’ myself up at all, although every word of it was true back in the day, infact I show you it for the opposite reason, more like to laugh at how far away I am from that person now, how incredulous it feels to look at that and *know* that was me, but that it really never was the *real me*

Confused? You have every right to be – I’m confused too, it feels like the Trades Description Act could be enforced on my ass if I sent that in now

So here is how that excerpt should be written now, or rather how it could have been written then but written truthfully about how I felt about all this stuff back then

A proven, (though self hating) successful (relentlessly driven to the point it makes her physically sick) sales executive and manager
A New Business Achiever in all market sectors (all fair and true).
Strong background in IT within Corporate, SMB, Local Government and Education. Employed by Market Leaders in each of their fields(though she never understood why anyone would hire her)
Creative (completely)  but analytical thinker(overthinks everything, believes everyone thinks she is doing a crap job so will pore over it to find error) , taking pride (fear of failure) in a considered approach to new challenges (that terrify her to the point of sitting in the loo’s crying and vomiting)
High impact sales presenter/trainer (although she feels like she is dying inside throughout).
High level of self motivation (fear of failure and negative evaluation), works without supervision (as she is afraid her manager will think she is crap), prioritises effectively (so you wont see how crap I really am) and meets deadlines (and never ever puts her family first)

Are you getting the picture?

Do I really want to go back to those days?

That’s the fear

Job = Self hatred = downward spiral

Now its fair to say I have come such a long way from those dark days – but it doesn’t mean that I don’t think I couldn’t sink there again

I know my perfectionist tendancies – they impact me now but I can keep a tighter rein on them

I adore uni,  but I love my family and this might be what I need to do for them at this moment

Is it not eternally selfish to keep doing a degree?

Completely self indulgent to be reliant on my husband to support me through this when every month is more and more of a struggle?

Thanks for that George Osbourne by the way (*flicks v’s)

Or do I stick at doing what I love, and pray we can weather this particular financial storm and that work will be forthcoming in my chosen field at the end of it?

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