I love my girls with every breath in my body, in fact I would give them my last breath if they needed it, but recently I’ve been hearing a lot of whinging, and moaning, with some selfish and ungrateful thrown in for extra measure.

In particular from my middle daughter, I am probably just more sensitive than usual down the the training with the Place2Be and the children who struggle with the barest of minimums on a daily basis, I’m perhaps more aware of how much my children have when so many have so little.

This was brought into stark reality recently when middle daughter was complaining about how ‘unfair’ it was that her younger sister got crisps while she ‘only’ had chocolate, and how I ‘spoiled her ice cream by getting chocolate on the top and not mint’ and all the reasons that she couldnt possibly share her stuff with her sister, as well as how ‘unfair’ it was not to see Mickey this year and it got to the point that I told her she was ungrateful and should remember how lucky she was.

She is lucky, I certainly know she is, but does she?

The answer is no, and why would she.. she see’s these things as basic, requirements, the norm

In no way special or exceptional, and that’s down to us as parents, she has extraordinary opportunities that other children would live for but all she see’s is what she hasn’t got, a glass half empty, I can take responsibilty for her attitude in part but how do I go about changing it?

She is blessed to go to Wales at the weekend, ride horses, go on boats, run on beaches, go on holidays.. but does she appreciate it… that’s fat NO

How is it possible to make a child who has grown up completely accustomed to having all this, actually value it?

I’m really not sure, but it has to start somewhere and it starts tonight

Tonight before her nightime routine, I sent her upstairs with a new ‘little book of gratefulness’, and I have no idea if it will work.

Her task, before bed is to write down 5 things she is grateful for, every night, they can be large or small, but they must be positive and thankful

Am I asking too much of her, on the threshold of 8, to appreciate the good and not focus on the ‘have not?’

Or is this just par for the course?

I’m not expecting her to fall to her knees and thank us dearly for all her blessings but just to perhaps catch and grasp a couple of them and recognise her lot in life is a decent one

I’m interested to know what you think, or what you might do or have done in a similar situation

We are truly blessed, she is loved, looked after and has amazing opportunities, and it doesn’t sit well with me that we have appeared to raise her without at least a small about of recognition of that fact.

Or is that just the way it is these days?

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In one of my counselling training session a couple of weeks ago, we did an exercise that still has me thinking about it now.

The tutor asked us to think about someone that we struggle to get along with and write down in 5 minutes all the things that drive you mad about that person.

Wow I thought – what a breeze this is and I wrote a whole A4 sheet without any real issue, the words just flowing out of me as my irritation with that person fell out onto the page.

As the five minutes came to a close I looked at the page and felt a bit sad that I can have such strong negative feelings towards a person, but I put it aside while the tutor spoke to us about the next part of the exercise.

“Right now turn over your paper and write about how that person see’s you”

and at that my jaw dropped

I’ve never considered that before

I started falteringly, trying to see through his eyes how he see’s and perceives me

It was really hard, and I wrote down all the aspects of myself that are at complete odds with his personality and it made for very uncomfortable reading.

My constant busyness, my need to learn, progress, do better, try harder, a whirlwind, seemingly not content, not focused on my family, no stillness or inner calm, prickly independence  and so it carried on

It was a real insight into how I could be perceived and the positives and negatives within that, but also about what it is that can cause irritation about someone.

She then asked us to consider for a few minutes what about that persons personality might be needed in your own life, the thinking being that often the things that irritate us the most are actually what we most need in our life, and that stopped me dead

To think that actually my irritation is a reflection of the things I am missing in my life

When I think about that person and those qualities that drive me insane -  dependance on others, always needing help, lack of ambition, not wanting more for themselves, perceived laziness – I can see that those are EXACTLY the qualities that are missing from my life – I’m too independent, not wanting to rely on anyone, too driven and perfectionist, and constantly busy and I certainly need a dose of the other person’s inner peace and calm.

So then can it really be true that things that irritate us the most are actually those we need the most?

Uncomfortable thinking isn’t it?

Try it with someone who drives you insane and see where it gets you, I can honestly say its having a massive impact on my relationship with this person and I’m seeing him through new eyes. I cant say he will ever be my best friend but it gives me a real insight to look harder when I’m irritated by someone and try and understand why and what it is about that person that irritates me.

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