I’m there again, in that place again, again… Tiring and exhausting. It’s not a physical actual place, but a mental place, it’s a edge of reason place, where logic and sanity is replaced by anxiety and self doubt.. Again. It’s so relentless, and it takes it’s toll of all of us, my family and friends included, I end up frantic manic and tearful and generally not a relaxing person to be around.
I think some of it is brought on by the hectic life we live, some of it self imposed, some of it imposed by others but mainly I’m imprisoned here by my own fears, and anxieties, my damn brain. It’s been coming on for a while, I’ve been seeing great highs and lows and fewer middle grounds which is generally an indicator that the balance isn’t quite right, so I’m going to sign up for the uni counselling scheme though I have been saying that for over 2 weeks now, so I need to just go and do it and stop bloody putting it off.
My current anxiety is still about the assignments, someone just said to me to take them one at a time and a pass is fine, and that’s probably nailed the issue on the head, I’m a perfectionists and this is something I can’t be a perfectionist about, I don’t want a pass, I want more than that but this is a case when I’m not going to get that, and that’s not me being pessimistic I’m being purely practical.
I’ve just ended up bawling in the uni library on the shoulder of a girl on my course, I really do need to access the counselling scheme, because that’s just not fair of me to do that to her, not at all
Funny Misss bedwetting is here with a vengeance at the moment, often twice a night and that’s preying on my mind too much, I can’t help but feel there is an underlying issue going on, and goodness knows from all i have learnt on this course it’s made being a mummy a parenting minefield, all the things that I know I shouldn’t say, can’t say, could damage if I do say…
Last night while out for tea she wet herself and didn’t tell me, I got cross and when we got home I ended up putting her in pyjama pants, something the consultant told us point blank not to do and as I put them on Funny Miss I saw her face fall, she was devastated, which just pushed me further down the guilt road that leads to this place.
I’m off now, I’m going to try and tackle some more of this essay, I might even submit it just to get it off my mind, then I’m going to walk over to the counselling service and sign up.. Todays the day
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