Tagged: depression

Apr 18

Can thinking something make it happen?

So I was sat in one of my last lectures of this 2nd year of my degree, the lectures particular flavour was CBT – Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to the uninitiated and it works a bit like Kryptonite to me

Its a long winded story that I wont bore you with but I hate it, yes it works, yes its proven, yes I can acknowledge that a thousand times but it just doesn’t fit with me and what I want to do from a counselling perspective – I can see lots of others love it and that’s OK -  they might hate what I love and that’s fine too – diversity is what makes the world go around but there were a couple of points in the lecture where I just wanted to ask more and get a different kind of response so I’m asking it here and hoping you can help me with a bit of “research” – those on my course can either start laughing now or stop reading – its about to be very dull as you all heard this during the lecture.

The overriding subject matter was about the effects and consequences of “worry & rumination” which are so prevalent in so many mental health disorders.

The lecturer’s persistent point was that worry/rumination isn’t generally helpful – and this is something that I absolutely would subscribe to – no issue there

He came round to the subject of “is thinking fact” well no its not and ok – yep – happy with that

Then asked if thinking something could make it come true.. he asked about the lottery.. imagining winning doesn’t make it so does it.. no it doesn’t

He then told of a time he was in a training session and on a blank piece of A4 he was asked to write the name of a loved one and then write “died in a car crash” and it was this I balked at.

Fair enough we had gone through a path of understanding with him that “just because we think it doesn’t make it so” – but I do think there are sizeable parts of me that believe in the power of positive thought and consequently the power of negative thought.

He asked if we would have done it and I didn’t hesitate in saying “no chance” and then entered into a discussion with him about why and at the back of my head I was having an internal debate on where I stand with this stuff.

My reasoning was that there are countless stories of people with cancer who survive longer, achieve what might have been unthinkable or are recovered which they put it firmly in the hands of positive thought, mind over body, using visualisation and mental kick assing when all else appears lost. Also of elderly couples who spent their entire lives together, and one of the dies and the other dies almost immediately after.

Is this all just consequence?

I should caveat this immediately by saying I’m not suggesting that all those who died or suffered from cancer or other awful illnesses ‘gave up’ and that’s why they passed away, cancer, for one,  is a relentless beast of a shit but I suppose I’m looking at examples of where people lived longer than they should have done, overcame adversity that shouldn’t have been possible, experienced events through sheer will etc

I have personal experience of:

a) mother who was too stubborn to die though all the odds were against her, and even someone half her age and in the peak of physical condition could not have survived – and why? she hadn’t met her new grandchild, I was 8 months pregnant and Funny Miss was born while she was in intensive care on a ventilator

b) another grandparent in a hospice – unconscious – rousing to hear news of her first born great grandchild before quickly slipping away the following day

So do I think that thought is so powerful, or should I just sign up and write the name of a loved one on that sheet?

Well here is the thing – I do believe that thought is a powerful life enhancing and even life saving thing

Yes I can see that medication and timing might all play a part but I bet we all know of something or a similar situation to the ones I describe above – or someone who is beating the odds even as we speak by attitude and powerful positive thinking.

Yes I can also see that I cant make myself win the lottery – but can I think myself into a better position – I think I can – there you go call me naive but I think I can.

I do believe that what I put out there is what I will get back – call it Karma

I couldn’t write my loved ones name on that sheet, as I wouldn’t want to put that out into the universe – I just wouldn’t want it out there – so  pass me a kaftan

So my question to you is this  – would you write a loved ones name on that sheet?

*I should also caveat this by saying he didn’t actually ask us to do that – just asked if we would have done*
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Mar 07

Somebody That I Used To Know

I was due to have an interview today

*feels faint at the thought*

I was supposed to meet up with someone that I used to work with, and no that isn’t what I’m referring to in my title

I couldnt go in the end due to other outside issues

But I’m in a bit of an odd situation at the moment, I’m feeling pulled in several directions, firstly by my desire to work as a counsellor, predominantly specialising in children’s counselling, which will require at least another 3 years of study – I’m 2 years into my degree, and then will need a minimum 2 year postgrad to qualify

Running completely at opposite ends to that is the fact that frankly if I was working we would be in a FAR better financial situation. I have the skills to be a reasonably good earner, and Little Miss can start school in September meaning I would have days free to do that

In preparation for this interview, I brought out and dusted off my old CV, I looked at and didn’t actually recognise the person I was reading about

Man alive she was impressive, driven, hardworking..  in fact here is an excerpt

A proven, successful sales executive and manager
A New Business Achiever in all market sectors.
Strong background in IT within Corporate, SMB, Local Government and Education. Employed by Market Leaders in each of their fields
Creative but analytical thinker, taking pride in a considered approach to new challenges
High impact sales presenter/trainer.
High level of self motivation, works without supervision, prioritises effectively and meets deadlines

Well I would hire that woman I can tell you  – but when I look at that CV and think about that person I am reminded that, in the words of the Gotye song – now you’re just somebody that I used to know – its so far removed from me now

Now I’m not showing you this to ‘big’ myself up at all, although every word of it was true back in the day, infact I show you it for the opposite reason, more like to laugh at how far away I am from that person now, how incredulous it feels to look at that and *know* that was me, but that it really never was the *real me*

Confused? You have every right to be – I’m confused too, it feels like the Trades Description Act could be enforced on my ass if I sent that in now

So here is how that excerpt should be written now, or rather how it could have been written then but written truthfully about how I felt about all this stuff back then

 

A proven, (though self hating) successful (relentlessly driven to the point it makes her physically sick) sales executive and manager
A New Business Achiever in all market sectors (all fair and true).
Strong background in IT within Corporate, SMB, Local Government and Education. Employed by Market Leaders in each of their fields(though she never understood why anyone would hire her)
Creative (completely)  but analytical thinker(overthinks everything, believes everyone thinks she is doing a crap job so will pore over it to find error) , taking pride (fear of failure) in a considered approach to new challenges (that terrify her to the point of sitting in the loo’s crying and vomiting)
High impact sales presenter/trainer (although she feels like she is dying inside throughout).
High level of self motivation (fear of failure and negative evaluation), works without supervision (as she is afraid her manager will think she is crap), prioritises effectively (so you wont see how crap I really am) and meets deadlines (and never ever puts her family first)

Are you getting the picture?

Do I really want to go back to those days?

That’s the fear

Job = Self hatred = downward spiral

Now its fair to say I have come such a long way from those dark days – but it doesn’t mean that I don’t think I couldn’t sink there again

I know my perfectionist tendancies – they impact me now but I can keep a tighter rein on them

I adore uni,  but I love my family and this might be what I need to do for them at this moment

Is it not eternally selfish to keep doing a degree?

Completely self indulgent to be reliant on my husband to support me through this when every month is more and more of a struggle?

Thanks for that George Osbourne by the way (*flicks v’s)

Or do I stick at doing what I love, and pray we can weather this particular financial storm and that work will be forthcoming in my chosen field at the end of it?

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Feb 17

Solitary Confinement

ha not such a cheery title that one is it?

But its one of the unfortunate parts of my personal battle with depression and anxiety, that I seemingly choose and actively try to push people away when I go through a difficult time, its like some automatic pilot comes into force and this ‘self preservation’ mode comes on which seems to demand that I isolate myself yet further from those that I love or those that might help.

In truth and with a bit of perspective its easy to see that this is the very worst idea

Depression & anxiety thrives on isolation, on keeping someone down and without the chance to change their beliefs, it all seems fraught in a vicious circle

I am lonely, I am struggling, I hate myself so no-one could like me, no-one can help, no-one will help me now, therefore I am lonely

.. and off we go again

and perspective isn’t always in easy supply when your in the thick of it is it?

I really cant abide this element of me, its destructive, selfish, and difficult to control and seems to just sit dormant looking for an opportunity to show its ugly face.

So if I’m quiet then that’s often why, that or I’ve taken too much on again – no shocker there -  if I’m distant you can bet your bottom dollar that’s why

I’m not alright with it and I might choose to make this the next aspect to tackle, this little fecker will be put away one day, for good

I’m not ready yet but its coming sunshine – its coming

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Source: voguebespoke.tumblr.com via Alyson on Pinterest

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Nov 28

The Hidden Depths Of Despair

Yesterday I read the news that Gary Speed had died, and it later transpired that he had taken his own life and been found hanging by his wife.

I felt numb, dumbstruck, shocked and confused – and I dont even know him. Of course I ‘know’ of him, growing up in a football obsessed home means I knew a lot of his career and the respect that people held for him – known to all as a true gentleman, humble, and strong, described by most who did know him as the ‘nicest man in football’

But what I found most shocking was that this apparantly, externally content, peaceful man, could be holding something in him so desperate that he couldnt carry it any longer and decided to do the ultimate act of self destruction

For him to leave his wife and 2 children, I cant imagine the pain he must have endured to consider leaving them behind, or the pain that he now leaves them with in dealing with his death.

Im puzzled why this has affected me so deeply, as I said I dont know him, but his situation, age 42, a few years off my husband’s age, married, with a family and outwardly seeming to be doing fine, just doesnt sit comfortably with me at all.

That someone can be in the utter pit of despair as I consider he must have been, yet had spent that day laughing, filming TV, making plans and chatting about his future.

What can have happened to push him past the brink in such a short space of time?

Maybe he struggled for a long time

Maybe he was just terribly good at hiding it

Maybe his friends and family knew his inner suffering

Maybe he was dealing with it in his own way

Maybe a switch flicked that night, and he just couldnt see any other way

But why is this so identifiable to me?

Is it that I fear we all have this capacity inside us to just flip?

Or am I considering his wife finding him like that one Sunday morning and imagining what a utterly horrendous thing that must have been for her

I don’t know why you did what you did but I hope you find peace now Gary, and I hope your wife and your children will know that you loved them but it was too painful for you to stay

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Jul 19

The Eternal Quest for the Perfect Job – Part Two

As I described here – in part one – I was sailing along quite nicely, moving up through the employment food chain and spending it as fast as I was making it, infact this is one of the things that sickens me now about how we were living back then, I know it was the ‘boom’ years and most of us were like this but our frivolous nature with money doesnt sit well with me anymore – when I think of what we spent and on what and how little we have to show for it, compared to now, where we have so little but seem to make it go miles.. well enough said there I think

At work everything on the surface appeared to be fine – I was scrambling for the big sales award – which I won – in a Gala Black Tie Event I heard them call my name – I went up on stage and accepted my award as well as an all expenses £10k trip to NY with Mister – I was utterly shocked – thrilled – overwhelmed – all those words… when I got back to my room the overwhelming thought was not ‘Im so proud or excited’ it was ‘I dont deserve this, Im a fraud, Im a liar, Im not good enough’ it kept me awake, it was like a musical merry go round in my head, of course I was so excited to go but also wracked with negative thoughts about myself and how I might be ‘exposed’.

I couldnt rest for thoughts of how to keep up the charade, how I could maintain this level of achievement, instead of thinking how well I had done, it then became how on earth would I better it or achieve it again? if I didnt do it again next year they would think I was rubbish and it was a fluke or a mistake?

All sounds really irrational now doesnt it? I know… cue wheels falling off

I went to NY with Mister, was AMAZING trip, I could spend a whole post describing the stuff they set up for us to do, a true experience, but all the while I was looking around me thinking ‘I dont deserve to be here’

I got married in the December all the while thinking ‘I dont know why he wants to marry me… I dont deserve him’

We went back to New York in the February as a delayed Honeymoon, and thats when the problems really started to escalate I was up all night, no sleep, no relaxation, checking emails, taking work calls, snapping and mental domino’s a plenty

When we got home there was a single tiny incident, everything about my job was about me controlling everything, that was how I managed, I managed the arse out of everything, that way I limited anyone else getting involved and me being exposed (I know)… well anyway one day one of the admin team left me a voicemail about a customer ringing and saying something hadnt been done, and that was it.. the straw that broke the camels back…

In my poorly head this mean that she knew I was a fraud, she thought I was rubbish, she was going to complain about me, she would tell my boss, he would pull me in, expose more about me being rubbish, and ultimately I would be fired… that was the thought stream that flew round my head in less than 10 seconds and plonked me outside the job centre.

I immediately took up a attacking tactic – made an appointment to see my boss – try and minimise the damage – I went to see him, we sat in a room and I just started shaking uncontrollably, heart racing, tears bursting to come out, and all this bilge came spilling out of my mouth about how hard I was working and ‘she was bang out of order for saying Im not doing my job properly..’ etc etc.. my boss looked stunned, shocked and a bit scared.. turns out the admin hadnt actually said anything but he could recognise a donkey on the edge when he saw one

He told me I wasnt thinking rationally, told me to go and see the doctor and make an immediate appointment… I looked incredulously at him…’what? theres nothing wrong with me?’ he was insistant and I left the office without a clue of what was coming – completely oblivious to the shower of shit that was to follow

To be continued

 

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