Tagged: mafiosa

Jan 14

Mafiosa Style Incident

I have been looking for a sewing machine for a good while now, we cant find my old one and I must confess I think my husband may have thrown it away during one of his tasmanian devil clearing fits, although of course he denies all knowledge (a likely story). I happened to mention this whilst at my weekly art class to one of the lovely old ducks who then shushed me & took me covertly into the tea making area and told me that she has ‘contacts’…erm ok…

‘I can get you a sewing machine through one of my contacts’… erm ok..

‘call me at 9.35am on Thursday and I will see what I can do but say nothing to anyone else’… erm ok..

so was very puzzled as I left the class, my mind racing about what contacts a silver haired innocuous looking granny could have, thinking, maybe she knows a shoplifter, or something similar? So set a reminder in my phone to call at the prerequisite time, I made the call

‘meet me in the car park round the back of Colne (local town) at 11am today, don’t tell anybody’ …erm ok

‘reverse up to a shutter door and ring me 3 times when you get there..I wont be able to answer so just ring 3 times’ …erm ok

Arrived in Colne round back of said building at agreed time, reversed up to certain shutter door, rang phone 3 times, the shutter door starts rising.. I wait with baited breath to see Doreen stood there with a sewing machine

‘ open your boot, move move move’ …erm ok..

she loads the sewing machine in the boot

‘close the boot do it NOW’ … erm ok…

‘don’t speak to me just drive away’..

‘but I haven’t paid you or anything,’…

‘sort me out at the class, now GO’ and with that she disappeared under the already closing shutter door, leaving me stood there speechless and completely bemused. I drove away as ordered wondering what on earth had just happened and whether I should check out the sewing machine for drugs, or perhaps a stashed illegal immigrant.

I got a call about 45 mins later from the silver haired mafiosa style grandmother

‘hi’ she says ‘sorry about all that before’ 

I said, ‘well its fine but what on earth was going on?’

she says ‘I’m a volunteer at Help the Aged and we got this in last week, but there is always a massive demand so have been hiding it since you asked about it, they got spies you know… Help the Aged… we are all being watched, you know them cameras above the shop, well we are getting spied on’….

‘wow’ I said ‘what are they looking for?’

‘shoplifters’ she replied..’ we got ram raided the other day’

well I rolled laughing imagining a team of grandads and Nana’s ram raiding the local charity shop in a Honda Civic,

she said ‘honest its a nightmare I had one 90 year old stuffing clothes down his pants the other day’… when we challenged him he said ‘come and get em ladies’….

I couldnt breathe for laughing

 Thanks to Alex for this..PMSL its a brilliant clip from League of Gentlemen which she said reminded her of this when she read it

So the upshot is I got an entertaining day and an illicit sewing machine for £10 what a bargain.. also went to the framers to get my first piece of art framed and mounted, felt properly proud that something I did will be displayed on a wall and its something I am really proud of