Tagged: new job

Jan 15

Hire Me a Flatbed Truck

As many of you may know from my previous blogs, I havent yet been able to start my new job due to a bereavement, not on my side, but my new employer which has left me in a kind of limbo, our lovely nanny is taking great care of my daughters, better than I would to be honest so they are all happy and content, which leaves me days of free time (which I should point out I have been desperately craving for as long as I can remember) to do as I wish, whatever pleases me, so what do I do? nothing… I linger round the house like a spare part, I’m sure the nanny just wishes I would bugger off then she could be properly in charge rather than the kids keep running to me every 5 mins.

Dont get me wrong.. there are some things that I am simply LOVING being able to do alone.. the weekly shop for instance – for those of you without children you will never realise the sweet joy in being able to wander the aisle without a disappearing 5 yr old or a tired cranky baby, for those of you with children I know you are now closing your eyes and just imagining the ‘childfree shop’ mmmmmm lovely isnt it.

I went to a gallery and strolled round without a care in the world, I went for lunch with my mum without having to feed someone else first, I had a shower, yes a shower without rushing and actually managed to put my make up on which is a first for 2 reasons, firstly I put it on in the bathroom.. which I dont think has happened since 1992, and secondly I put it on (miracle in its own right) which again doesnt happen often apart for wedding christenings and funerals.

So yes there are distinct advantage to this limbo position but to be honest it all just feels a bit unnatural, its not normal for me to have time to myself, its not normal for me to think about me and not others first, its not natural to feel this free, so Iam like the caged lion that paced its cage day after day, year after year dreaming of the wild… then someone left the door open and the lion realised he didnt actually want to go anywhere anyway…

Work SHOULD in theory start on Monday but even thats still a bit of a maybe at the moment, so instead of seizing the day and wandering the aisles of the Traffic Centre… children free.. imagine!! I will sit inside gazing outside wondering about all the things I could be doing but wont be doing.. whats that all about!

So my husband called to day to tell me that the bonus that was going to pay for our trip to America isnt coming anymore, apparantly it never was,  he just made a mistake reading his bonus sheet, so am feeling pretty downbeat about that. We really need a family holiday its been a tough couple of years and as lovely as Wales is, for me I need some serious sun, a sun lounger and pool to feel like I’m on a proper holiday, so will have to see if we can raid the piggy banks to see what we can manage but I’m sure it wont be nearly so grand.

I do hope you are all sitting down – I am sure these words will be thrown with jest in my face for many a moon if I change my mind but……drum roll….. am thinking of packing in the booze, I read an article about Zoe Ball who has stopped drinking altogether, and about how much better she felt for it and her reasons why and to be honest I read it and thought about booze and its effect on me, anyone who knows me will tell you the I ADORE a Bombay Sapphire and Tonic as dearly as life itself.. probably too much, but is that a good thing relying on something to get me through ‘a bad week’ or a ‘bad day’ or just drinking for the sake of it like I do now?

I cant even imagine the amount of calories I have consumed through booze but I am guessing its worth a good fat ass and, apparantly a glass of wine (bar measure not my measure) is equivalent calories of a jam doughnut so the average 3 glasses I sink of an evening rocks up to 21 doughnuts a week.. thats outrageous..thats 1092 doughnuts a year .. if I keep that up I will be needing to remove the front wall to get me out and hire a flatbed truck to take me to the shops.. its not good. If you factor in my measures are so much bigger then I think I may be consuming all the doughnuts in the world mwahahaha

So this weekend I will be considering whether to quit the evil booze, if I do it then I plan to only drink at special occasions, so say Christmas or a Wedding or a birthday, I managed 9 months x 3 without booze so I know its entirely possible, anyways enough for now.. my G & T is waiting.. joke.. I will let you know what I decide to do when I decide to do it…

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Jan 13

Stepford Wives Move Over..

Today was the first day that I was officially ‘free’ to start work, ie the nanny started in her official capacity and was ‘sole charge’ as it turned out, due to a bereavement I didn’t get to start after all but thats another story. Today I watched a virtual stranger fill the gap of ‘me’ more than adequately infact I would go so far to say better than me, I lingered outside doors and peeked into windows to see the children and Sonya having a whale of a time, I had some stuff to do ‘childfree’ and came home about 4pm to find the children engaged in their homework!! whilst eating a healthy snack!! and chocolate milk!! all as Emma sat by being fed by Sonya, it was a bit of a vision actually, kind of how you imagine your day might pan out before you go and bugger it up, like the ideal of Christmas versus the reality of it.

Emma cooed and played and giggled and had a generally all round lovely day with a hugely attentive girl whose soul purpose was to keep her entertained whilst Iwas ‘busy’ she was having so much fun that she didn’t have a morning nap, and she didn’t get cranky for it either, she ate her lunch beautifully and went down for a lengthy happy nap in the afternoon without a murmur, whilst Sonya cleaned up, washed and sterilised bottles, put the children’s clothes away, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and put on the children’s tea.. I watched furtively feeling equally thrilled and gutted all at the same time.

So as Sonya went to collect the two older terrors I kept Emma home with me, a fact that let me tell you Emma wasn’t too thrilled about, the fun person just left the building and it wasn’t carrying her with it! So for the 3rd time I am resigned to being the ‘planner, organiser, disciplinarian, chief cook and bottlewasher’ well actually not the last 2 anymore. All my children see me just the same way and to be honest it naffs me off, I’m never the fun one, I’m the one telling them to ‘stop doing that or they will hurt themselves’ or ‘put that away please’

Its jealousy, or envy, or just plain over sensitivity, of course I know its superb that Emma took to Sonya so well, it could have been hellish if it were different, of course if all I were EMPLOYED to do was to keep a baby sweet, I could walk it, in fact as an au pair I used to walk it, but still how easily I am replaced just does sting a little bit. I’m sure it will be better when i don’t have to watch my baby have a lovely time without me, so when I actually get to crack on with the job, but its amazing isn’t it how guilt can get you from all corners, if its not guilt about not working and being a drain on my family, its guilt about abandoning my children to another woman who can clearly do it better than I can. Mothers guilt, it finds you anywhere and everywhere doesn’t it

So tonight my husband will be thrilled with the Stepford Wives scenario that greets him at the door, a wife with make up on (and its not a birthday, Christmas or anniversary) children, calm and fed, house clean and tidy, clothes put away, gas billed halved (see previous post), tea ready and sex on tap (as if that one’s gonna happen), whereas I will just feel like I have failed yet again, as I didn’t do it, and if I had have done it.. it wouldn’t have been half as good, I think this is called ‘damned if you do and damned if you dont’

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