Today was the first day that I was officially ‘free’ to start work, ie the nanny started in her official capacity and was ‘sole charge’ as it turned out, due to a bereavement I didn’t get to start after all but thats another story. Today I watched a virtual stranger fill the gap of ‘me’ more than adequately infact I would go so far to say better than me, I lingered outside doors and peeked into windows to see the children and Sonya having a whale of a time, I had some stuff to do ‘childfree’ and came home about 4pm to find the children engaged in their homework!! whilst eating a healthy snack!! and chocolate milk!! all as Little Miss sat by being fed by Sonya, it was a bit of a vision actually, kind of how you imagine your day might pan out before you go and bugger it up, like the ideal of Christmas versus the reality of it.

Little Miss cooed and played and giggled and had a generally all round lovely day with a hugely attentive girl whose soul purpose was to keep her entertained whilst Iwas ‘busy’ she was having so much fun that she didn’t have a morning nap, and she didn’t get cranky for it either, she ate her lunch beautifully and went down for a lengthy happy nap in the afternoon without a murmur, whilst Sonya cleaned up, washed and sterilised bottles, put the children’s clothes away, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and put on the children’s tea.. I watched furtively feeling equally thrilled and gutted all at the same time.

So as Sonya went to collect the two older terrors I kept Little Miss home with me, a fact that let me tell you Little Miss wasn’t too thrilled about, the fun person just left the building and it wasn’t carrying her with it! So for the 3rd time I am resigned to being the ‘planner, organiser, disciplinarian, chief cook and bottlewasher’ well actually not the last 2 anymore. All my children see me just the same way and to be honest it naffs me off, I’m never the fun one, I’m the one telling them to ‘stop doing that or they will hurt themselves’ or ‘put that away please’

Its jealousy, or envy, or just plain over sensitivity, of course I know its superb that Little Miss took to Sonya so well, it could have been hellish if it were different, of course if all I were EMPLOYED to do was to keep a baby sweet, I could walk it, in fact as an au pair I used to walk it, but still how easily I am replaced just does sting a little bit. I’m sure it will be better when i don’t have to watch my baby have a lovely time without me, so when I actually get to crack on with the job, but its amazing isn’t it how guilt can get you from all corners, if its not guilt about not working and being a drain on my family, its guilt about abandoning my children to another woman who can clearly do it better than I can. Mothers guilt, it finds you anywhere and everywhere doesn’t it

So tonight my husband will be thrilled with the Stepford Wives scenario that greets him at the door, a wife with make up on (and its not a birthday, Christmas or anniversary) children, calm and fed, house clean and tidy, clothes put away, gas billed halved (see previous post), tea ready and sex on tap (as if that one’s gonna happen), whereas I will just feel like I have failed yet again, as I didn’t do it, and if I had have done it.. it wouldn’t have been half as good, I think this is called ‘damned if you do and damned if you dont’