As I described here – in part one – I was sailing along quite nicely, moving up through the employment food chain and spending it as fast as I was making it, infact this is one of the things that sickens me now about how we were living back then, I know it was the ‘boom’ years and most of us were like this but our frivolous nature with money doesnt sit well with me anymore – when I think of what we spent and on what and how little we have to show for it, compared to now, where we have so little but seem to make it go miles.. well enough said there I think
At work everything on the surface appeared to be fine – I was scrambling for the big sales award – which I won – in a Gala Black Tie Event I heard them call my name – I went up on stage and accepted my award as well as an all expenses £10k trip to NY with Tim – I was utterly shocked – thrilled – overwhelmed – all those words… when I got back to my room the overwhelming thought was not ‘Im so proud or excited’ it was ‘I dont deserve this, Im a fraud, Im a liar, Im not good enough’ it kept me awake, it was like a musical merry go round in my head, of course I was so excited to go but also wracked with negative thoughts about myself and how I might be ‘exposed’.
I couldnt rest for thoughts of how to keep up the charade, how I could maintain this level of achievement, instead of thinking how well I had done, it then became how on earth would I better it or achieve it again? if I didnt do it again next year they would think I was rubbish and it was a fluke or a mistake?
All sounds really irrational now doesnt it? I know… cue wheels falling off
I went to NY with Tim, was AMAZING trip, I could spend a whole post describing the stuff they set up for us to do, a true experience, but all the while I was looking around me thinking ‘I dont deserve to be here’
I got married in the December all the while thinking ‘I dont know why he wants to marry me… I dont deserve him’
We went back to New York in the February as a delayed Honeymoon, and thats when the problems really started to escalate I was up all night, no sleep, no relaxation, checking emails, taking work calls, snapping and mental domino’s a plenty
When we got home there was a single tiny incident, everything about my job was about me controlling everything, that was how I managed, I managed the arse out of everything, that way I limited anyone else getting involved and me being exposed (I know)… well anyway one day one of the admin team left me a voicemail about a customer ringing and saying something hadnt been done, and that was it.. the straw that broke the camels back…
In my poorly head this mean that she knew I was a fraud, she thought I was rubbish, she was going to complain about me, she would tell my boss, he would pull me in, expose more about me being rubbish, and ultimately I would be fired… that was the thought stream that flew round my head in less than 10 seconds and plonked me outside the job centre.
I immediately took up a attacking tactic – made an appointment to see my boss – try and minimise the damage – I went to see him, we sat in a room and I just started shaking uncontrollably, heart racing, tears bursting to come out, and all this bilge came spilling out of my mouth about how hard I was working and ‘she was bang out of order for saying Im not doing my job properly..’ etc etc.. my boss looked stunned, shocked and a bit scared.. turns out the admin hadnt actually said anything but he could recognise a donkey on the edge when he saw one
He told me I wasnt thinking rationally, told me to go and see the doctor and make an immediate appointment… I looked incredulously at him…’what? theres nothing wrong with me?’ he was insistant and I left the office without a clue of what was coming – completely oblivious to the shower of shit that was to follow
To be continued